For families and friends of abused women (we'll refer to women in this case, as they are the most frequent victims of abuse, although the pattern is the same for men, gay or straight), watching your loved one experience emotional, physical and other forms of abuse can be incredibly stressful. Adding to this, survivors often leave and return to abusive relationships over and over--often leading to alienation and burnout on the part of those who care for her.

It can help to become familiar with the cycle of violence that survivors experience. This cycle can trap victims into a relationship because of this pattern of intermittent reinforcement. It may also help to understand that:

• Abusive relationships don't just work themselves out
• Your support and encouragement can be of enormous value
• You can ease the isolation and loss of control she may feel by just listening
• Be patient--change can be slow.

Warning Signs of Domestic Violence

• Your friend/loved one's partner uses an unusual amount of control over her activities, family finances, the way she dresses, and/or her contact with family and friends.
• Your friend/loved one has unexplained bruises or frequent "accidents," which cause her to miss school or work, or give inconsistent explanations.
• Your friend/loved one's partner makes fun of her or puts her down in public.
• Your friend/loved one appears frightened, exhausted, or on edge.
• Your friend/loved one's children seem easily upset or are experiencing sudden problems in school.

How You Can Help

• Listen without judgement. Ask about her situation and let her know that you really want to listen, then give her plenty of time to talk. Let her know that you are concerned about her safety, that she doesn't deserve to be treated this way, and that abuse is never acceptable. Support her in making choices for herself, even if her choice is to stay in the relationship.
• Remind her of her strengths. By helping her recognize her skills, abilities and strengths, you will help her see her other options. Point out the strength she has shown by surviving her current situation.
• Help her learn more about domestic violence. You can best help her by knowing the facts about abuse. Refer her to this website. And help her to brainstorm about other sources of help.
• Make your friend/loved one aware that domestic violence can have serious consequences for her and her children.
• Show concern. Say "I'm worried about you" rather than "Why don't you leave" or "I wouldn't put up with that."
• Provide her with information about local resources. Share with her the community resources listed in this web site. Let her know she can call she she decides she wants help.
• Take it seriously. Domestic violence can involve threats, pushing, punching, slapping, choking, sexual assault, assault with weapons or verbal abuse.
• It rarely occurs once and usually gets worse over time. Abuse results in more injuries than rapes, auto accidents, and muggings combined.
• Keep in touch. The abuser may isolate your friend. By letting her know you care and are available to her, you provide her with a connection to the world and options for safety.
• Help her develop a safety plan. Use the plan at this web site as a guide to encourage your friend to develop a plan to protect herself and her children. Help her think through the steps she should take if her partner becomes abusive again.

If She Says She Can't Leave

Leaving an abusive situation is difficult for many reasons. Don't expect your loved one to leave immediately. She may even return to the abuser. Survivors leave their abusers an average of 7-11 times before ending the relationship permanently. It is important for you to support her through the entire process, though you may be frustrated, worried, and want her to get out of the situation right now.

Five things to say to a survivor when she says she can't leave:

• I am here for you and will support you, no matter what. 
• I am afraid for your safety.
• I am afraid for the safety of your children.
• It will only get worse.
• You don't deserve to be abused.

Remember that she knows what is best for her. She must live with the decisions that she makes. She has been living in this situation and must determine the risk. It is often most dangerous for a woman when she attempts to leave or has left the abuser. She must plan for her safety carefully, and it may take a great deal of time and several attempts for her to actually leave. Support her in making her own decisions.

* Thanks to the UVA Women's Place for permission to use this material.