People who sexually assault others do not look different from any other person. However, one characteristic is that they ignore the feelings of the person they are with. Because sexual assault is an act of aggression, power and anger, someone who is sexually violent tends to behave in ways that are intended to control others. Often they do things that are intended to "test" someone, to see how much they can get away with. While not everyone who exhibits these behaviors is a rapist, if you know someone who acts in these ways, you may want to use caution or avoid that person.

• Not listening to what the person says; not stopping when asked to stop
• Talking about or looking at the person's body in a way that makes her or him uncomfortable
• Calling someone names
• Blocking someone's path or following her or him
• Touching someone in intimate places without permission
• Trying to get someone drunk or giving drugs
• Not respecting a date's feelings and limits
• Not stopping sexual foreplay when told or asked to stop
• Seeming to enjoy someone's discomfort
• Acting as though a relationship is more intimate than it really is
• Being disrespectful of women; treating women as sexual objects
• Making comments or jokes about women that are degrading
• Focusing only on women's bodies; not treating women as people

Most assaults are committed by someone the victim knows and often trusts - a friend, family member, neighbor, date, acquaintance or co-worker. These situations are known as acquaintance sexual assault or rape, or "date rape" (which is often a misnomer, since frequently there is no "date" taking place). Offenders often use a system of specific behaviors to break down someone's defenses and make that person more vulnerable to being assaulted. This is especially true of those who rape people they know (the majority of rapists). Sometimes people think that "date rape" is the result of miscommunication between a man and a woman. However, while a man may misinterpret a woman's friendliness as interest in sex, and be frustrated, embarrassed or disappointed when he finds out that this was not her intent, this is not a cause of assault. The normal responses to this sort of misunderstanding would be the same as to any other: to get angry and leave; to try to clear up the confusion; to ask, "why not?" The normal response to a misunderstanding is not to attack the person you've misunderstood! Many of these behaviors can seem like normal dating rituals, and may not necessarily lead to an assault. However, having an understanding of these strategies can be helpful.¹

• Intruding: At this stage, the attacker violates the victim's space in some way. This can include: unwanted touches, uncomfortable looks or inappropriate personal or sexual conversation. The attacker is testing the victim to see how she will respond.
• Desensitizing: At this stage, the attacker has repeated the intrusive behavior so often that the victim becomes desensitized to the behavior and her own uncomfortable reactions. He may wear her down with verbal pressure that causes her to question her values and her judgement. She may begin to feel she is overreacting. He may contribute to her confusion by making statements such as: "What's wrong with you?", "Don't you like to have fun?" or "You're too uptight - why can't you relax?"
• Isolating: At this stage, the offender is alone with the victim. A sexual assault often takes place because the offender has already manipulated the victim to the point that she cannot respond quickly and assertively to his danger signs.

Understanding this system of strategies may or may not help someone to avoid being assaulted; however, it shows that an assault does not happen because the victim was not assertive enough or did not communicate clearly enough. These tactics clearly demonstrate an intentional strategy of manipulation.

Footnotes
¹ Thanks to Py Bateman for her deconstruction of acquaintance assault, and VAASA for the introductory text.